Let's Squelch This Rumor!

This is a copy of an email I sent to the office ladies at church referring to a church staff member.

(Disclaimer: This is completely a tongue-in-cheek email!)
Rumor has it that Abby had a C-section when delivering Cadence Grace. Untrue, untrue! Let me explain how this vicious rumor started:
It began with a staff member who shall remain anonymous (except for the fact that she's single and ever-so-slightly older than 39. Sounds like this could be a movie??! But let's not go there). Without calling her name, I am imploring you church gals to assist her so that she doesn't cause more trouble in the future. We certainly don't need to be out firing and hiring church ministers unnecessarily.
Said Anonymous Dudette (heretofore referred to as S.A.D. person) texted me numerous times yesterday when she heard the news of Abby's new baby girl. I say numerous . . . I'm talking one right after the other, right after the other, etc. ad nauseum. One text simply asked, "Did she deliver naturally?" I texted back quickly, "NO WAY!!!" And, of course, you three church gals know I meant that Abby had an epidural, not that she had a C-section. Apparently, I need to give some definitions that I hope you will share with S.A.D. person.
"Deliver naturally" refers to experiencing excruciating pain that God only intended Eve to experience. "Naturally" means NO MEDS whatsoever . . . a.k.a. insanity. Only the insanely ignorant can endure such woe. Delivering naturally compares to pushing a large watermelon through a drinking straw.
S.A.D. person meant to say "Did she deliver vaginally?" Now, admittedly that's not a visual you want to form in the brain. That might cause even the iron-stomached to become queasy. So, for further clarification, S.A.D. person should never, ever ask that question to a new mom or a new grandmom.
S.A.D. person (if she continues to be so nosey) needs to ask "Did she have a C-section" or "Did she enjoy that epidural?" Another definition is coming: Epidural means a wonderfully beautiful shot in the spine that immediately relieves pregnant moms of all pain (exclusion being her husband). Before epidural: Mom-to-be is screaming, spitting, possibly cussing, and swearing never to do "it" again so she's never in this pain again. After epidural: Mom-to-be is lying in bed resting, humming, smiling and laughing at all the moms who chose the all-natural approach (refer to the earlier paragraph about watermelons and straws).
I hope this email clarifies the fact that Abby Rucker Ivester is one intelligent young lady who enjoyed delivery of Cadence Grace. (Too bad there's not a semi-permanent epidural for episiotomy pain, and NO I"m not giving a definition for that! And take that mental picture away!!!)

Before Epidural

After Epidural!!!!